I am trying to live a normal and healthy life, but the news keeps getting in the way. I am trying to avoid sugar but cupcakes invade my dreams. I am trying to have a healthy relationship but I keep leaving the toilet seat up. I am trying to find God™ or some reasonable facsimile but I want to be a millionaire more. And eat cupcakes. And have hair. And find a mall more than paradise.

What’s a guy with no hair and not even 6 feet tall to do?

I tried masterclasses. They just cost too much and I had to take a lot of notes. I don’t like wasting paper after spending $2,000 for second-hand wisdom.

I tried seminars. They cost too much and my credit card interest is already higher than the national deficit.

I tried coaching. But none of the coaches were smarter than me and I ended up charging them for being such idiots.

Yesterday was a good day. I didn’t eat sugar. Or dairy. Or the flesh of any farm animal. I ate spaghetti and popcorn and tofu.

Yesterday was not such a good day. I ate too many carbs. My inner keto coach yelled at me and threw steaks at my feet.

Today will be an awesome day. I am in a good mood. I will ride this good mood all the way to the iPhone 32. Unless I fall off my mood horse and end up in a ditch of despair.

Then I’ll be in a bad mood. I will cry. I will feel unworthy. I will take down all the posters in my room. Just like I did when my mother found out I was smoking pot as a teenager and she blamed the rock bands. So I took down all my rock band posters and put up posters of horses. Palominos, to be specific.

I’m really loving my new iPhone 14. I know it’s not the latest edition of the iPhone. It will be ancient history soon. But I don’t care. As long as I can keep taking selfies.

I wish Mike Meyers would come out with a new Austin Powers movie every year. We should put something in some form of legislation at some level of our government or someone else’s government mandating Mike Meyers release a new Austin Powers movie every year until our planet melts into the deep recesses of black space.

Then we’d all laugh and forget all about sugar and taxes and rock bands and tofu and farm animals.

Maybe even the chickens will laugh…

©2023 Bruce Palma. All rights reserved. No, really…