Now that the drought in California is officially over (as of 9 am, Pacific Standard Time, yesterday) I have contacted the rain gods and told them this rain needs to stop immediately. I threatened legal action if they didn’t bring our Cali blue skies back ASAP.

I called 1-800-RAINGOD and got this:

“We’re sorry, you’ve reached a number that is no longer in service. If you feel you’ve dialed this number by accident, fuck off…”

I don’t know who did a rain dance and asked for this much rain. A little rain is ok. A shitton of rain, drought or no drought, is completely unacceptable.

There’s floods everywhere in California. Cars are being washed away. Flooding in subway stations. Homes underwater. Goats and cows floating down the street.

And all so we can cure this “drought.” Will there ever be a time when the drought is officially over? Forever? Maybe we need to stop drinking 8 glasses of water a day, and just eat toast. Maybe that will help us save water.

But the rain continues. Flooding is rampant. Water water everywhere…

Is there no end to this wanton evil hydration? 

Doesn’t the head rain god know there’s a fine line between fixing a drought and washing away $90,000 luxury vehicles?

Doesn’t the head rain god know it took many hours of hard work with skilled hands to make that Maserati? And then to just float it down the boulevard as if it were an old milk carton?

Human beings are expected to behave respectfully, maintain balance in all areas of their lives and generally be good citizens.

We’re supposed to reuse our bags, conserve water, drive electric cars and use earth-friendly deodorant. We’re supposed to curb our carbon emissions, walk or bike everywhere, and recycle every last bit of belly button lint on our earth-friendly bodies.

But here comes Mr. Rain and His Nasty Clouds. No restraint. No balance. Just a full-on shitstorm of water. No thought for some kid’s new PlayStation. Just washed away. A beautiful new bundle of technology, probably a Christmas present, flown from China, carbon emissions and all—and some high water just comes in and rolls it down the river.

“Oh…but we NEED the rain…”

No respect.

Who’s going to count up all the material waste created by these floods? Are we going to recycle all the ruined building materials and sage candles?

Imagine if you just opened a little boutique gentrified clothing store in some gentrified area of San Francisco. All your clothes, all costing over $150 (yes, even the t-shirts), neatly arranged in the store, just ruined. Soaked with holy rain water. Or worse, washed away down a flooded San Francisco street.

The next time it rains and someone says to me (in a whiny “I care so much” voice), “Oh, we NEED the rain…” I’m gonna dump a gallon of pure, mountain spring, triple-filtered, electrolyte-laden water all over their rain-loving, drought-tolerant head.

And then run… 

©2023 Bruce Palma. All rights reserved.