I’m waiting for my new mouse pad to come from Amazon. I got Prime, so this sucker will arrive in less than 24 hours. It’s a photo of the Amalfi coast in Italy. I want to go to Italy. This way I can look at that mouse pad and send messages to my subconscious. I’ll get a free trip to Italy. Just watch.

I just bought a duffle bag on Amazon for less than $15 for my mother-in-law. And I’m sure I’ll get something else from Amazon before the day is through. I got over $100 on a gift card balance left from Christmas presents.

I’ve been looking for a purple velvet curtain to hang on my wall as a podcast backdrop. My wife says to go to Ross or TJ Maxx. You’ll find one there cheap she tells me. I say to hell with that. I got an Amazon gift card balance. I got Prime. I got electric booty. Digital loot.

I am a conscious consumer. I only buy what I need. I tell myself I need a new mouse pad. For god’s sake, my mouse pad is over 5 years old. And the photo top is curling off the foam thing on the bottom. It’s old. It’s faded. It looks like shit. I think I deserve a new mouse pad. I could go and buy one at the local store selling mouse pads.

But I got this gift card balance. People give me Amazon gift cards for Christmas, Father’s Day and my birthday. Those are the only 3 holidays I care about. That’s not true.

I care about Mother’s Day, Valentine’s Day. My wife’s birthday. Our anniversary (technically not a holiday) and my daughter’s and son’s birthdays.

Other than that, I don’t care much for the other holidays. Ok, Christmas is cool. I get Amazon gift cards.

And the tree is decked out in supreme splendor. Bells and birds and angels. White and blue lights. Smells fine. Sure, I’ll take Christmas.

But what I like most of all about Christmas, other than that I guess it celebrates the birth of some famous dude (most famous of all?), is the Amazon gift cards.

Everyone in my family circle has been notified to only give me Amazon gift cards. I had them all sign an agreement, notarized, to only give me Amazon gift cards. If anyone gets me anything else other than an Amazon gift card they’ll get a letter from my lawyer telling them to cease and desist.

It gives me a warm, tingly feeling when I open the Christmas card or birthday card of Father’s day envelope. I already know it’s gonna be some form of gift card. It better be. I don’t want just a card telling me Merry Christmas or happy birthday. Or what a great father I am—I already know I’m a boss ass daddy…They can text me that; don’t waste a card telling me. I want the booty, the loot, the plastic miracle of a gift card with some electric dough. Thank you.

When I see that Amazon gift card, all is well in my world. I can surf the net and purchase. I can find things. I always want something. Even if I don’t know I want something, I want something.

Electric booty. The digital loot.

My beautiful Amazon gift card.

Just me and that long-ass letter activation code.

Yessiree... 

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