In my quest to find the true heart of humanity, the love underneath the facades, the true cream-filled center in each human being, I am always dumbfounded to find that many people in the world (excepting plumbers and mechanics, which are essential to the proper functioning of society) are just plain dumbshits.

But rather than focus on the weaknesses of other people and cast aspersions and throw stones at dumbshits in glass houses, I’ll focus on myself and some of my own “dumbshitness.”

Here’s one: Sitting on my ass and looking at my phone all day.

Full disclosure: I do this a lot. It’s gotten worse. I keep scrolling and checking emails and texts and schedules and opening apps and closing apps and re-arranging the apps on my phone.

I watch video after video and post after post of some relative’s birthday party, some funny meme, or a ton of amusing animal videos, over and over and over again.

(I will confess I really do like the animal videos. Animals are crazy in a beautiful wholesome way. Not like us dumbshit humans…You can’t not enjoy a video of a giant bear taking a bath in a tub. Or any cat video, really…)

Now in 2022, most of my precious dwindling minutes is spent on a virtual hamster wheel of bite-sized bits of useless information, and as Mick Jagger said, “supposed to drive my imagination, I can’t get no satisfaction…”

I used to sit around on a couch and read a book. I used to put one record on a turntable. One record. Two sides. 12 songs. 40 minutes max. Now it’s just scroll, scroll, scroll.

Here’s another:

Sitting on the couch and mindlessly channel surfing. I can’t even decide what movie or documentary to watch on TV anymore. I probably subscribe to 6 different streaming services—all sucking dollars from my wallet—and after I finally decide what streaming service to watch, I just keep scrolling through categories, watching the little 2 minute previews. After about 30 minutes of this, I’m done. I don’t even watch the movies anymore.

I feel like a dumbshit.

The information bits are flying into our little heads so fast it’s like being in a virtual video game and we’re fighting off imaginary space ships attacking our frontal cortex.

At some point we all need to put down our phones, get away from the all the screens and just breathe.

Or maybe it’s just me. Maybe everyone else has this shit under control.

But judging by what I see on the street and in cafes and in hospitals and in restaurants and on busses and trains and even in cars going 80 mph, many, many, many people are stuck staring into their screens of various sizes like robots.

I’m sure this goes on in the bathroom stalls as well.

And you’re probably reading this on a phone, so I should just shut the hell up and enjoy the ride.

I find myself getting more bitter as I grow older—and more joyful at the same time. It’s truly a paradox. I see the great things we as humans are capable of and then I see some dumbass shit that makes me wonder who left out a certain chip in our brain when they rolled us off the assembly line.

Another dumbshit thing I do is drink too much coffee. I know I should only drink about 2 cups a day—and no more—but being the dumbshit that I am, I exceed this amount on a daily basis.

Coffee also suppresses my appetite. So I don’t eat as much. And that throws my blood sugar into a tizzy and boy am I a sight to see.

It makes me jittery, anxious, prone to checking and re-checking locks on doors and windows and generally creates a slew of problems in my household.

I’m already a hyperactive child of 58 who can’t sit still and is always fretting about something. It’s hardwired in my genetic makeup.

And then adding a few too many cups of coffee and no food to this equation turns me into a Supreme #1 Gold Star Dumbshit.

I love my wife.

But I am concerned about her long-term ability to withstand my caffeinated assaults on her inner peace.

I will try harder.

I will endeavor to be less and less of a caffeinated dumbshit.

But I might need to watch some instructional videos on my phone to help with this.

Just sayin’…