Do you have wheat belly? Gluten gut? Shit I don’t know. I have a small little gut. A paunch. A pouch for my belongings. I don’t do squats or sit-ups or push-ups. I can barely touch my toes. Am I a bad person? Should I be sent to gluten hell? Shouldn’t I be reaching for the gluten-free brass ring of perfection?

I don’t know.

I just ate an entire (almost) bag of sourdough nibbler pretzels, a full 2 pound size in the past few days. Throw in a few hundred (not really, but a ton) of ginger snap cookies and bread and hell I don’t know what else that qualifies as ‘Gluten' and I’m about as gluten-free as a penguin living in the tropics sipping a pina colada. That sounds actually quite nice right now. But I’m afraid to go to the tropics given that global warming will probably drown all the islands in more seawater.

Seawater sucks sometimes. Just sayin’. It’s not bad in and of itself. It’s just when it comes and covers an island or a mainland with all it’s seawater stuff, tsunamis and floods and hurricanes (inverted seawater, right?) that it becomes quite nuisance.

I’m glad I live inland away from the sea. But close enough to enjoy its breathtaking beauty from afar.

I don’t go to the beach much anymore. I like to view if from afar. There was an old joke about the firemen rushing back to the station. And someone asked where they came from and they said they came from “afar” and the person said what? What the hells from afar? Where’s that? What town did you come from? And they said “afar” and finally they said A FIRE!

Bad joke to throw in this mess of a blog but fuck it.

So anyway, I ate a ton of pretzel nuggets and they were covered in salt. But let’s be specific: SODIUM.  The dreaded SODIUM. Sodium so bad for you. Right? Everyone’s all up in arms about sodium. As if that tiny little element on the chart of elements what was that called. The…I’ll look it up. The “Periodic Table of Elements” that’s it. That one element was so bad. Well, people, when you suck down the amount of sodium some of us do, then the body says WHOA NELLY! Slow down there, partner. Have some salt-free crackers once in a while.

But now, we have to fill every damn crevice and crack of our food with salt. All canned and processed and packaged food, unless it specifically says “low sodium” or “sodium-free” or “low-salt” or “salt-free” then it has sodium. Some more than others. I looked at a frozen gluten-free waffle package and the damn things, 2 of them had 380 milligrams of SODIUM.

CAN YOU BELIVE THAT SHIT! Waffles!?? GLUTEN-FREE TO BOOT.

So there's my rant on gluten and all things seawater.

I never did like the Periodic Table of Elements. It confused me. It looked like a board game. And if I was going to play a board game then I wanted to have fun. That table of chemical ballyhoo with all the letters and numbers confused me. Why couldn’t we just call silver “silver” and not “Ag.” (I didn’t remember that from high school chemistry. I just looked it up. And what the hell is “Osmium” (Os). It’s called a “transition” metal. I’ve heard of the metal used for transmissions, but that’s probably iron or steel. (Fe).

You see, children, that’s the beauty of the internet. You can learn it all online for FREE. (Well, after you pay a google or a gaggle for your WIFI service…)

I didn’t know why I had to remember that water was H20. What did I care what it was called? It was water, I drank it when I was thirsty and then I eliminated it in the toilet when I was done.

Nature couldn’t have come up with a better system to get rid of all the excess H2o on the planet.

Other than evaporation or extra large 64 oz. sodas at the fast food joint…