I’m having a hard time keeping up with everyone’s different self-help systems. I don’t know whether I can mix them or not. One says to meditate first thing in the morning upon arising. The other says to high-five myself in the mirror upon first arising. Another says to hold my hands over my heart when I sit up in bed (upon arising) and say I love myself dearly and I deserve a chocolate croissant before I meditate.

I think someone should develop an app to keep track of all these self-help guru’s systems.

I don’t know whether I should write (by hand) or type out my affirmations.

I’m not sure if I should ask for something specific with my affirmations—such as whether or not my Lamborghini should have real or fake leather interior.

I’m not sure If I should specify that the 10 million dollars, I want to have in my bank account should be exactly 10 million, or should I account for inflation. If it comes immediately (right now) then maybe I don’t account for inflation. But if it comes in six months, I’ve shafted myself out of some money, since the 10 million won’t be worth as much. That Lambo might cost 2.52% more. And for a Lamborghini, that’s a lot more dough.

If I look in the mirror and tell myself I love myself, should I add an exception for my unflossed teeth. I mean, I don’t think I should be approving of being lazy with dental care. I might love myself, but my wife will hate my garlice breath. And where will I be then? In the proverbial doghouse for spouses.

If I try and wake up and just do what I want to do, which is nothing at all, or at least blasting Van Halen in my ears, I feel guilty. I feel as though I should at least pay some form of homage (or spirit tax) to a higher power. And I don’t think that higher power will care if it’s the Van Halen with David Lee Roth or the Van Halen with Sammy Hagar.

But I’m not sure. I haven’t meditated upon this yet.

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