I never tried eating a whole cow before. I don’t think it’s been done. Not that I’d want to. I just woke up with this thought in my head. I’m going vegan today. I had steak and fish and chicken yesterday. I don’t feel very vegan right now. I had cheese, too.

I certainly don’t feel vegan now.

But I want to be vegan. It’s just hard. Melted cheese is so delightful—especially between two pieces of toasted bread. Cheese toast or grilled cheese. Or even between a large flour tortilla. Crisped just right. Melted cheese, cheddar or jack, just sits so fine between those circles of flour.

And then there’s pizza…

I tried to be vegan many times in my illustrious life. From 21 to 58, I tried and I tried and I tried. I never tried eating a whole cow. That’s just a foolish endeavor. But I tried being a whole vegan. Alas, the carnivore in me won out.

I don’t eat meat every day. I’m just informing you of this fact. I thought you’d like to know. You probably don’t. I respect that. I would feel the same if I were you.

But I’m not.

I’m more of what you call a “leapfrog vegan.” I jump from a vegan meal to a little animal on the side, to a vegan meal, to some chicken, a vegan meal to a little cheese. I’m poking holes in the wall of global animal consumption, one red pepper at a time.

I don’t think I’d like to eat a whole cow. I don’t think the cow would like it either. I think all people should learn to eat a banana once in a while. Just a banana. No yogurt. No cinnamon. No cereal. Just the banana.

Why not?

It was when I learned that animals not only have eyes and a brain, but they also have a wicked sense of humor—and they dream of playing board games with humans. And drinking orange juice. It was then I tried being a full-fledged vegan—not just a leapfrog one. But alas, I need a chicken sandwich once in a while. I need that charred crunchy chew.

Tofu’s too pedestrian. Beans just give me gas. Lettuce is too limp. I need a little charred chicken with cheese. Between two buns, of course.

Am I a bad person?

If you added up all the chicken sandwiches eaten since the beginning of dentures, would it equal the number of tires made since the first car rolled off the assembly line?

It is 6:06 a.m. PST. I’m not even hungry yet. And yet I dream of food. Vegan food. Whole cows. Bananas. And, god forbid, plain firm tofu.

I need more coffee…

If I were a goat, I’d be content to chew on raw grass. Hopefully not sprayed with any weird chemicals with pretty names on sale at the big box stores.

If I were a goat, I’d eat the grass, bugs and all…

I’m not picky…

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