I have decided to “live on the edge” and go all out in life. No more living cautiously and within the guardrails of society. I’m going all out. Full-on, full throttle, 100% beast mode.
Here are my 10 steps towards living wild and free (and hopefully taller):
- Eating more artificial flavor.
- Wearing yellow shirts, even though my wife says I look like a fool in yellow shirts.
- Eating hot dogs 3x a week even though we all know what’s in hot dogs. You don’t know what’s in hot dogs? Then you better not find out now.
- Listening to AC/DC louder than I ever have even though my higher self says listen to Beethoven at a respectable volume.
- Getting up at 2:45 a.m. just for the fuck of it. Not meditating. Just sitting around eating oranges, even though this will be right in the middle of my no food zone on my intermittent fasting program.
- Finally learning how to surf. Even though I hate the idea of wearing a wetsuit. What am I, a fucking seal?
- Learning how to touch my toes without screaming and waking up the neighbors.
- Rollerblading in very tight shorts with a yellow shirt on the Venice Boardwalk (that’s Venice, California, I don’t think Venice, Italy has boardwalks, just guys with striped shirts rowing tourists down some oily river, or canal or random body of water). (Full disclosure, I can’t get 10 feet in rollerblades without falling flat on my face…)
- And when I rollerblade on the Venice boardwalk in my tight shorts and yellow shirt I will be listening to Katy Perry. Due to an unnaturally acute aversion to Katy Perry’s music, it will truly be “living on the edge” rollerblading to one of her songs pounding in my ear, in my yellow shirt, and trying not to fall and scrape my good ‘ol trusty knees. Maybe I should wear a wetsuit as well…
- Eating Cheetos for breakfast and Twinkies for dinner (or vice versa, but no carrots or beans). (I may need to add a laxative, we'll see...)
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