I want to take my cat with me everywhere. Starting tomorrow I will do so. There ain’t no reason why I can’t take my cat with me everywhere. Everyone takes their dogs with them everywhere. They’re not true service dogs. They’re “ornamental canines.” And they’re everywhere. Here I am standing in line in a department store and some wild dog runs up behind me. Scaring the shit out of me. Why is there a dog in the men’s department? I ask myself.
But I have no answer.
Dogs stuffed in purses, shoved under coats or just running amok among bananas and underwear.
All those dogs wanna to do is sit at home and eat bon bons. And watch talk shows on TV.
Ornamental canines… “Convenience dogs.”
Better to take your chihuahua to buy breath mints than leave them alone with your new $2,000 couch.
So, starting tomorrow, at 9 a.m. Pacific Standard Time, I will take my cat with me everywhere. His name is Jim. I might call him Jim, I might not. I might keep him incognito. Maybe I’ll call him “Spike.” That would be nice.
Jim (or Spike) will help me navigate this cold hard world. He will provide fur and companionship. My wife provides perfect companionship, the best ever, but I can’t take her everywhere. She has her own life to lead. And she won’t be caught dead dragging our cat to the bank.
And definitely not to the dentist’s office.
I’m gonna take Spike (Jim) to the dentist. He can advise on whether I should get laughing gas or Novocaine when I get a root canal.
He can’t speak, but I can read his paws. When they face east, they mean “Yes.” When they face west, they mean, “Maybe not…”
He could tell the hygienist the reason my breath smells so bad is because I neglect to floss on a regular basis.
He could tell them I’m too busy to floss. I have to clean his cat box 6 times a day.
Of course, Spike won’t really say anything. But it’s good to dream.
Spike could even accompany me when I get my annual physical. He can tell the doctor to go easy when checking my prostate.
He could also help me get my car registered at the Department of Motor Vehicles. The people working at the Department of Motor Vehicles (at least here in America) can be quite prickly. I understand. They have 7,000 customers an hour all wanting to just drive their damn cars without waiting in line.
Spike (Jim) would stroll side by side with me through my days.
I’d keep him on a gold-plated leash. Just for effect.
He could rub up against my leg to show affection. I need more affection when walking through this cold, hard world.
As I said, my wife provides plenty affection. But she can’t follow me around like an ornamental cat or dog.
That would be out of the question.
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