We are a highly advanced species. And, as such, we converse on highly important matters. Our public discourse on the internet and all social platforms has been elevated to new and sublime heights. We now argue over whether the Van Halen with David Lee Roth as front man is better than the Van Halen with Sammy Hagar as front man.

I never knew it was a thing. I like both the Van Halen with David Lee Roth and the Van Halen with Sammy Hagar.

They’re both different beasts. One’s with vanilla ice cream and one’s with chocolate. (You decide which is which. I’m not getting shamed online, thank you…)

But to come upon a greatest hits Van Halen playlist on YouTube and find a comment thread sounding more like a bar fight on who’s the better front man, Dave or Sammy, has me quite amazed.

We are touted as the most advanced species on Earth (unless you watch the news) and we’re arguing over a Dave or a Sammy.

Or, take for instance, the amount of guts (or something) it takes to publicly shame another person (a complete stranger) on a social media comment thread.

Someone will say something civil and innocent and someone else will say, “Did you READ what they said!?? Are you that stupid? Who raised you?! A pack of baboons?”

(We will never be “ONE” as a world, species or group of hairy fools running through malls looking for sales on underwear and candles. We’re fucked.)

Let the drones and robots take over. At least they don’t argue online about rock band front men. And they won’t be found in malls buying 2 for 1 scented candles.

Why do we send children to school? They’re supposed to be civilized and socialized and taught how to get along with other little sugar-infected beasts.

Why not just teach them math, science, language and history online? (With all comments disabled.)

But no, they’re taught to grow up and be perfectly comfortable hurling epithets and insults on a random comment thread.

Here’s another one. There was a video of a famous musician, way back, when he was younger, and looked nothing like his more famous self. He was playing a guitar. He usually plays a fiddle (or “violin” if you want to shame me and say I don’t know my instruments).

And someone said, “Hey that’s XXX playing that Telecaster guitar.”

Someone else said, “I don’t think that’s XXX. It looks nothing like him. And he doesn’t play guitar. Everyone KNOWS that…”

Reply: “If you actually LOOKED and PAID ATTENTION, fool, you’d see that was XXX and he’s playing a Telecaster.”

Someone else: “READ THE VIDEO TITLE IDIOT. It says, “XXX in an old interview BEFORE he was famous.”

And someone else (these things multiply like wild rabbits on Red Bull): “If you took the time to research, you’d KNOW this was XXX. But NO, you just spout off without truly paying ATTENTION.”

I’ve seen it happen again and again. Doesn’t matter what social platform. Could be TikTok, could be Facebook. Could be YouTube, could be Instagram. Could be Twitter.

But never in real life. Face to face. No. We’re not bold (or stupid) enough to say these things to each other within fighting range. We might get the shit kicked out of us.

We’re only comfortable behind a screen with a username and our bony little opinionated fingers.

And it’s young, old, all races, colors, creeds. As long as the person typing the comment classifies as a “human” being (or random dog).

Bipeds with brains, fingers and 10 million opinions. Highest species on earth. Fly to the moon and beyond.

Reduced to arguing over (and getting into virtual cock fights) why Van Halen with Dave is better than Van Halen with Sammy.

Personally (and I always speak personally, not for the masses) I like Van Halen with Dave before noon and Van Halen with Sammy after 1 p.m.

I take a lunch break between noon and 1 p.m. and just listen to Beethoven.

Beethoven was smart enough not to have a front man.

NOTE: Comments are enabled for this post. But I have ultimate approval. The way it should be. So watch what you say. And if you don’t like Van Halen with either front man, then let’s stop right here.

©2023 Bruce Palma. All rights reserved.