I was driving on a main thoroughfare (big street) yesterday and I saw a sign on a liquor store that said, “Coldest Beer in Town.”

I don’t know how a store can use such a superlative so freely. What? Is there a short bald guy named “Chuck” that waddles in with a thermometer and checks the temperature? Every week? Does he work for the National Beer Temperature Association?

Does Chuck drive around town and check temperatures at all the liquor stores in his region?

Do liquor store owners bribe him (with Cheetos) so they can get a better rating?

Does Chuck even drink beer?

Does he like his job?

Did Chuck tell his parents as a kid, “I want to be the best beer temperature checker in the world!”

Are there other Chucks checking beer temperature?

Coldest Beer in Town. Why throw superlatives around with such reckless abandon? Is there no sense of integrity or decency in the world?

Does it really matter if your beer is the “coldest” beer in town?

What happens when someone buys the beer and drives it home? Does it still stay the “coldest” beer in town?

What if that person stops off for gas or to get some razors or shampoo at Target? And leaves the beer in their car?

Does it still stay the “coldest” beer in town?

And maybe some people don’t want their beer to be imbibed at subzero temperatures. Maybe some people like it a little warmer. Or lukewarm. Some people like warm beer. Some people like penguins, so you know how that goes.

I don’t care for penguins. I wish they’d just get a job and stop waddling around like drunken idiots. Lazy, that’s all. I don’t care if they look like they’re wearing a tuxedo. They’re still idiots. And don’t send me any comments about how I’m mean or don’t like animals.

They don’t drink the “coldest” beer in town, that’s for sure.

They probably want the “hottest” tea in town.

But they don’t have a town. And they don’t have opposable thumbs.

You try being a penguin and boiling water.

Maybe there’s a Starbucks up there where the penguins live.

Maybe Starbucks caters to the penguins.

Can you visualize a line of drunken penguin idiots in a Starbucks trying to order a mochaccino?

But I’m way off topic.

I think it’s morally and spiritually wrong and against all business principles to slap a superlative like “coldest” onto a sign and expect people to rush in and buy your beer.

It’s the same damn beer as the liquor store 3 blocks down.

Do you think we as customers are stupid? Don’t you think we know you have the same beer cooler as your competitor?

Couldn’t you say, “We Endeavor to Provide a Very Cold Beer for Our Customers.”

That would be more accurate.

But no. Let’s slap a superlative on a sign and try and beat the competition.

You’re just selling Budweiser and Heineken and a shitton of over-priced “craft” beers. Same as the fool down the block.

If you wanted (I’m talking to the owner now…) to excel in providing a superior product to your customers, then get in a business where you can really innovate.

Invent a machine that sucks all the salt from our seawater.  We all need more clean drinking water.

That would be innovative.

You could say,

“The Salt-Freest Seawater in Town.” 

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