I want my flatulence scheduled. I want an app that will tell me exactly, down to the day, hour, minute, when I’m going to fart. And I want it to let me know what variety of fart it’s going to be. There’s many variations of the stench that emits from your body when you fart. Is it a silent but deadly fart? Is it a dog fart? You know sometimes how your farts smell like dog farts? Dog farts are the worst. Is is a loud motorcycle fart? Or just a random, unannounced splat? I just want to know so I can be prepared.  

I just want to be prepared. If I’m in a department store with a ton of people I don’t want my farts sneaking up behind me and embarrassing me in front of the general public. I want to be notified, via text message, or through Google or Siri or whatever the fuck other app you want, when and where and why and how will this fart smell, once it reaches the enclosed atmosphere in which it will be emitted.

Then I can at least run behind a mannequin and let it rip. Then run fast from the scene of the crime as if nothing just happened.

I want my dignity intact. The older I get, it’s the little things that matter. I don’t want to be lying in bed with my wife saying our goody good nights and all of a sudden, I’m reduced to no higher on the food chain than a nasty German shepherd farting under the dinner table.

Fuck that.

I need some advanced flatulence notice.

This is a civilized (ha ha) world in which we live. We can fly William Shatner to the moon, or wherever the hell he went. We can schedule everything via our phone, we have apps to tell us we have too many nose hairs sprouting from our dirty nostrils, why can’t we have an app that tracks the flatulence flow through our colon and lets us know exactly, down to the millisecond, when that sucker’s going to rip (or seep) through our poor little anus and knock a whole line of people down at the local corporate conglomerate coffee shop?

So before I ruin someone’s morning mochaccino with my foul stench of undigested beans and broccoli, I can run out into the street, waving my arms, letting it rip, as I fly down the block into a beautiful sunset smelling like a vanilla ice cream candle from the mall.

It’s something we all go through. On a daily basis. Every human being on the planet deals with this issue. We should all come together and love our similarities. World Peace Through Flatulence. That’s my motto.

©2023 Bruce Palma. All rights reserved.